By Ethan Macks
From PHN Issue 50, Summer/Fall 2022
Do you ever feel like you just don’t want to wake up and face the day? Do you feel unmotivated and restless? In small amounts, this is normal for most people, but if you find yourself experiencing this almost every day coupled with self-defeating thoughts and a feeling that overall things are just not worthwhile, you may be seeing the early signs of something I am all too familiar with. Depression is widespread in prison, and you may be thinking to yourself, “What is there to look forward to in the penitentiary?” Unfortunately, that is exactly the problem. Prison breeds emotions like anger, sadness, and despair. On top of all the negativity that goes on, there are countless reminders of what’s going on in the outside world. Some people handle these feelings better than others, but I believe that most of you who are reading this can relate. I feel that with the right tools, you can recognize a low mood and remedy this issue before you fall into a very dark place. An isolated mind is your own worst enemy.
One of the hardest times to face in prison is when you get to the part of the year when you have what I call the “Big Three”: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s. This is when I find myself missing my family the most. It drives me crazy. This triggers people to feel lonely and isolated. It is hard in here all the time, but the “Big Three” is another reminder of not being free. Knowing that the “Big Three” is right around the corner could have an effect on your overall mental health. Here are my tips to combat this time of year. If you have a release date, then you get the opportunity to tick off one more year down and another year closer to the end of your incarceration. You can look at the holidays in a positive light because you are much closer to spending them with loved ones. If you are not going home at all or anytime soon, this could be a little more troubling. You can in this case find your own way to commemorate the season. Something small like eating a honeybun or making a special meal and sharing it with your good friends. Make a phone call or write a letter to someone you don’t get to communicate with often. Dust off the sense of negativity and create a positive out of it.
As far as the rest of the year, if you find yourself depressed, I want to share with you how I turn things around. You can defeat self-defeating thoughts. First of all, you must be able to recognize what are rational thoughts and what are not. It may be hard, but over time, you will be able to negate the irrational and cultivate the positive. Some people come to conclusions like, “It’s not worth trying because I won’t succeed,” or “Why would anybody love a convict like me?” These thoughts and many like them are self defeating. You only lose if you don’t try, and everyone is deserving of love. You are not stupid, and you are capable of making new friends. Open yourself up a little bit. In extreme cases, people say that they are better off dead. In reality, you could help change a life in a positive way without even trying. Don’t just give up in life! Fight these irrational thoughts.
Force yourself to get out of bed. Make a list of things you want to get done. Create projects for yourself for each day. Do a little at a time, even if it’s only one or two things. As you check off the goals on your list, find a way to reward yourself. Taking time to treat yourself for an accomplishment will make you feel good about the work you are doing. Another way to feel good is to work out. Working out releases feel good endorphins in your brain. Also, you can try what I call self-prayer. This is when you set aside time to push all the negative thoughts out of your mind. Slowly start replacing them with positive affirmations about yourself. You don’t have to get on your knees to do this, but I do (hence the name). Finally, go out of your way to talk to someone else, even if it’s asking how that person’s day is going. I try to talk to people that are not very social because I believe that I’m making someone else’s day better as well.
I am not a trained therapist. I am just another inmate like the rest of you. What I can say is that with the “Big Three” right around the corner, I feel there is no better time than now to heed my advice. If you’re feeling down, self-prayer, setting goals, rewarding yourself, working out, and socializing may be just what you need to feel better. I’ve been battling with depression for many years. I realized at a young age that it is hard to overcome depression without some effort. This is what works best for me, and I hope that you too can get a grasp on your emotional convictions. Life is worth living, even in a depressing place like prison.
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